Dad . . .

Photo composition by Jason Packard

I’m not sure what to write about today – my mind keeps drifting back to my dad – he died 36 years ago this Monday, January 9^th,  and 36 years ago we were keeping vigil in the hospital hoping against all hope that he would survive and stay with us longer. He didn’t. I was devastated. I was lost. I was angry, and I was in a free fall – the first true free fall of my life. He died my parent; we were just starting to become friends – we were just starting to see each other as ‘real’ people.

I’ve missed him every single day of my life – but in an odd way, his death was the first stage of my emotional birth. He was a force larger than life. His pedestal was way out of my league, but everything I did was shrouded by what Dad would think. Sometimes I relished rebelling and shocking him. Sometimes I basked in his appreciation. Always, what I did was measured against the man.

After the shock and deep grief subsided I realized for the first time in my life that I was going to have to do things according to what I wanted…there was no one but me to impress, rebel against, or appreciate. I didn’t have a clue to how to begin to live my life for me – just me. I hadn’t had time to practice ‘me’.

Ironically, I don’t ever remember him being a mentor – making suggestions or giving advice. But truthfully, I might have trained him quite early that I don’t accept advice or help – his favorite story was of my 2 year old self refusing assistance demanding in no uncertain terms “I do it myself!” I’d like to think that we are much alike, this giant and me – we’ve just traveled different roads.

So the bitter sweet thoughts of my Dad are: “Thanks for moving over and letting me find my voice and my own truth – but damn. Dad….I sure would have loved to have you around longer”. Of course, I do realize that he is here with me, right now and always has been so I’ll reframe that and say: ”Here’s to you Dad, thanks for everything.”

Oh, The Places You'll Go. . .

I used to be ruled by fear. I longed to be adventurous, but I couldn’t get out of my own way.  When that old familiar feeling in my gut was activated, I froze….I let it control and define me. 


This New Year’s weekend I had that old familiar feeling: stomach churning, shallow breathing, a million trips to the bathroom feeling, and I realized that I was not only enjoying it, I was welcoming it. Happy New Year!!

What a revelation. I was heading into unknown and unfamiliar territory and I felt the same physical feelings of fear that always held me back, but this time I identified it as excitement – something to run toward rather than away from.

This was proof that I didn’t need to eliminate fear from my life, I just needed to change my relationship with it when it came a-callin’. Several of you have labeled me courageous or a can-do woman who won’t let anything stop her, and initially I’m surprised and really tickled by that until I realize that, for the most part, it’s true these days.

What you don’t know and don’t see is that I still have my processes to go through. While I’m much more spontaneous and willing to try new things, I still have this “Oh crap, what am I doing?” stage that kicks in. That is fear, pure and simple, isn't it? So, I acknowledge it, determine what needs to happen for me to go forward as easily as possible (and yes, sometimes that is to jump blindly off the cliff with only faith as my companion). Once I decided that fear could be a benchmark of moving in the right direction (toward freedom and adventure), I found ways to coexist with the feeling.

Practice does make perfect – I’ve welcomed fear into my life as a friend and guide. I have embraced it, I actually look for it in chunk-sized pieces that I can manage. I know how to tell the difference between real fear that should be heeded and my ego-driven fear that should be ignored or redirected. The sense of freedom is more powerful than I ever imagined.

If you were to change your relationship with fear – what would you be doing today? Right now, think about what that next step would look like. When you sit down to journal today,  think about what fears are holding you back –begin with these words: What I know to be true about fear today…..then just trust what comes forward.

Oh the places you’ll go…

You're Grounded!!

 It seems I was always grounded as a child. I lived inside of my head so much that I rarely realized I was doing something wrong. I used to joke that this was probably the reason why I had such stifled social skills growing up – which is probably true to some degree, but I think my innate introversion played a bigger part.

But that’s not the grounded-ness that I want to talk about today. Today my thoughts go toward feeling grounded without feeling tethered. As much as I love being free to do and go wherever I choose, I also need a sense of being grounded….a go-to place (even if it’s only in my mind).

I’ve been struggling with that lately. The other day, as I was leaving a shopping center, there were two young men on the corner – one playing an aboriginal-looking instrument, the other, a sign saying “Ho Ho Homeless for Christmas”.  As I drove by them, my first thoughts were: “So am I” – and it didn’t seem so bad. Of course, I’m homeless with a car and gas money – so the correlation really isn’t there.

But I didn’t feel sorry for them as I sensed that their situation was similar to mine: a deliberate choice to try on a lifestyle – to be free and let the universe provide. I could be wrong about them, but I’m spot-on about me. However, these past few days I’ve been wondering just what in the hell I’ve gotten myself into. I feel unsettled and aimless – which is what I deliberately wanted, but I’ve also felt a dreaded ennui come over me – a lack of desire to seek out adventure.

This was supposed to be fun, wasn’t it? This was supposed to be for a purpose, but there are days that I forget that purpose. There are days that I tell myself that if only I had (**fill in the blanks**) then I would be more (**fill in some more blanks**).

The truth is this: I don’t need more of anything to be more of who I am (and you don’t either). Intellectually that’s a big no-brainer. But lately I’m floating through my days feeling not much better than the scraps of litter that accumulate on the side of the road. Intuitively I know that the solution is to find balance: to discover how to be grounded enough and yet remain free to roam about the world. That’s mental territory for me and has very little to do with ‘stuff’.

These days my recognized adventure is a Journey Within. There is no end destination (other than the obvious), so I may as well sit back and enjoy the scenery.

I also know that there are other issues at play going on inside my body and brain that I haven’t talked about – not all of which are in my control….this just might be one of those times that I need to just sit with it and let it pass, and focus on everything I’m so very grateful for . . .  Om.

5 Reasons NOT to Journal

1-   I can’t find my favorite pen (seriously, Zan?)

2- I’m too busy, I don’t have the time (and yet I find I’m procrastinating getting work done).

3-  There are no pages left in my journal (Hmmm, I started my Journaling passion on lined tablets - one is laying by my side right now).

4- I don’t know what to write (yes you do…..)

5-  I’m avoiding some big stuff that needs to break through to consciousness (ah, now we’re getting somewhere!)

**Yes, I, the writer, can get so caught up in work that I don’t always take the time to do my own inner work. It’s time to pick up a pen (any pen) and get busy with my inner journey….What are your excuses?

What Is Courage?

I have received a lot of emails lately that applaud me for my courage – living each day as it presents itself; Planning only enough to be intentional, but never so much as to be limited. I thank everyone for that, but I have a few comments on courage.

COURAGE does not mean being without fear. Courage means not letting fear define and limit you. 

When you build a tolerance for fear, you will find courage comes more easily. BUT, just how do you build this tolerance for fear?

**Do one thing every day that frightens the daylights out of you.

**NEVER compare your fears with anyone else’s.

**and never, EVER compare your courage with anyone else’s either.

The goal isn’t to be without fear – the goal is to never let it stop you. 

Keep pushing your boundaries and you will find courage sooner than you think.

Adventure Does Not Guarantee Fun (and That's OK)

We often think of adventure as fun and exciting . . . certainly something to look forward to, right? But adventures are rarely about what we do, where we go, and who we do them with. 

Adventures are about paying attention to our own perspectives; being willing to leave our comfort zone and experience life as it unfolds before you.  

If you’re not having fun, that doesn’t mean it’s not an adventure. If you look for a label to attach to your experiences, you might miss the most important message of all…..EVERYTHING is as it should be, your only task is to pay attention, let go of expectations and put one foot firmly in front of the other. Adventure On! 

Observing Myself Just Being

So here I am living without a home and traveling where and when I can create the opportunity. I feel a huge shift coming over me (yet again). It seems lately that my existence is like a snowball – barreling down a hill, taking on a life of its own and shaped by whatever it comes across. 


Do I really want that – to let life just happen? It feels a bit like being a pinball to me – ‘oof’, there I go careening off of what was, and heading into the unknown. I’m not so sure that this is all that cool – but for now, I will just go with the flow because spirit has nudged me in this direction.

You can tell I feel unsettled but excited too – anticipating things I can’t even imagine yet. To keep me balanced, I have begun my days with the journal question: “What is true for me today?”, then I let the information flow into me and onto the paper (almost as if from an outside Source).


What I’m hearing from this Source is to sit still for a while and to finish up projects that I have begun, as they are all worthy and needing my attention– only then will I see my next step with true clarity.

So I am looking forward to heading back to whatever home base I can build and start the finishing process of my many projects – books in the works, crafts to be perfected and finished – and to really enjoy this process. 


My future is percolating in my soul – I can feel it, I just can’t identify it yet.

It is sometimes uncomfortable to just simply be – to allow what is, to be what is – but it is a fascinating process to observe oneself in the journey – that is where I am right now – observing myself and just letting the present be… The future will take care of itself, won’t it? With or without my help.